How to be a work-at-home editor
Standard Work Day Procedures
1. Wake up. Look at clock, because looking at the clock when one wakes up is an unshakeable habit, even for people like you, who really don't care what time it is anyway.
2. Eat breakfast. I use the term breakfast loosely; it's three in the afternoon. I use the term loosely; you can eat anything and call it breakfast. I use the term loosely; even drinking a decent amount of applesauce out of the jar counts as breakfast. Oh, sure, you can drink applesauce from the jar. Just make sure to pace yourself, or applesauce will spill out of the part of the jar not covered by your mouth and get on your shirt. Which is trashy. While eating breakfast, check blogs.
3. Conduct a quick round of grooming. Brush your teeth. Wash your face. If hair is exceptionally greasy and scary-looking, powder your hands with Shower-to-Shower and fingercomb it through until it appears acceptable for the general public. Praise the people who figured out that Shower-to-Shower and the hair grease right above your ears DO mix. Oh yes.
4. Get dressed. Yank on some workout clothes. Yes, those ARE the ones you wore yesterday, and no, I don't see what that has to do with anything.
5. Get some exercise. This is important for you in the same sense that it is important for those Russian kids way up north to play under UV lights once in a while. It's cool that you have a job you could still do while completely bedridden (this is totally going to pay off when you have to go to the hospital for something), but really, it's important to support your body weight on your legs once in a while.
6. If you are planning to leave the house for work (usually every other day), take a shower. If you are not, weigh the benefits of such an action. Sure, you don't smell that great. But even if you did, no one would be there to notice. Except for you, and you really can't tell anyway, being yourself and all. Make the right decision, then congratulate yourself on conserving water and on not damaging your hair. If you really can't stand yourself, at least consider putting your hair up and just taking a bath. Come on. You aren't going ANYWHERE today. Shampoo is expensive.
7. You can even pull your hair into a ponytail, slather the ponytail with conditioner, then twist it into a bun on top of your head and wrap it in cellophane to keep the conditioner from drying too quickly. This is good for two reasons. First, the long application of conditioner forces the moisture into the hair shaft, whether the hair shaft likes it or not. Second, now you smell like conditioner, which is a serious improvement.
8. Plop down in front of the computer and grudgingly start working. Work for at least fifteen minutes straight.
9. Eat something. Now that you're really awake, food is a lot more interesting than it was a few hours ago. Really interesting, in fact--it's fun to read and eat! Try to consume entire bowls of delicious lunch dishes (although the sun could be going down by now for all we know) while reading your manuscript. Declare victory when you manage two paragraphs during your hourlong lunch.
10. Beat your record at Super Collapse. How are you even doing this day after day? You are so awesome at Super Collapse.
11. No, really, it's time to work.
12. Fight the continual urge to eat while working, then give in and allow yourself carrots and salsa (or carrots and horseradish mustard, or cucumbers in either condiment). Do this for twenty minutes, then give up and start in on the tortilla chips dipped in cream cheese. Dude. Cream cheese is the best. If you get thirsty, polish it off with some applesauce or something, because it's not time for your one soda a day yet.
13. Give in and drink the soda.
14. Decide it's time to catch up on your correspondence. Write several friends, pretending in each e-mail that they are the sole beneficiaries of your "short break." You don't mean to lie to them, but you are too ashamed to tell them how long your breaks really are. Complain about whatever you are reading. Ask them how their day is going in the office. HA! They're in the office. At least you're home, although you do get paid by the word and have so far made five dollars in four hours. And are your friends even IN the office right now? What the hell time is it, anyway?
15. Look in the corner of your computer screen to check the time. Roll over it to find out what day it is, just for good measure. Note with zero interest that it is Tuesday. For you, every day is the same. Which is totally awesome.
16. Break your high score in Super Collapse. You're a legend. Realize that Yahoo failed to record your high score this time, even though you were signed in properly. Feel rage at Yahoo for ruining what should have been a perfect moment of triumph. Yahoo really needs to get their shit together.
17. Worry about how much you just cared about your high score in Super Collapse.
18. Receive call from husband. Try to sound busy and lofty. Can't he tell you're trying to work? When he asks why you are irritated, explain that your latest project is a real bear, all present tense when it should be past. It's not that you mean to lie, it's just that he doesn't really like Super Collapse and wouldn't understand what you're going through.
19. Decide to take a nap. The Super Collapse fiasco, the call from the husband ... it's all become too much for you. Set your alarm for an hour.
20. When your alarm goes off, hit snooze several times, then give up and shut the alarm off entirely.
21. Wake up an indeterminate amount of time later.
19. Work for another half hour. You mean it this time.
22. Begin having weird distractionary thoughts specifically designed by your brain, which wants to save itself from the awful writing it is being forced to process. As a consequence of your brain's efforts, say to yourself, "We should buy kayaks," even though you have been kayaking once in your life. But it was on the ocean, so that was pretty sweet.
23. Research kayak options extensively. Fall in love with cloudy blue one from L.L. Bean, then realize that inflatable is far superior, what with your minimal storage space and compact car. Read reviews to find the best inflatable brand. It appears to be either Stearns or Sea Eagle. No, it's definitely Sea Eagle. Does Sea Eagle make one-person kayaks? No? OK, Stearns.
24. Check your blogs again. You never know. Sometimes that lady from Africa is awake and posting. Ooooh, look, she did! And she wants to know your opinion on abortion.
25. Compose very carefully-thought-out opinion on abortion. Is there even an answer to when life begins? Why are we asking that question as if there is an absolute right answer? Aren't these all terms we made up anyway? Is it a linguistics problem, do you think?
26. Look at your work chart and realize that in twelve hours, you have done approximately 1.5 hours' worth of work.
27. Emerge from your kayak fugue and attack your work with newfound zeal.
28. Read the same paragraph over and over and realize you are far too tired to work.
29. Reason that tired people work slow and rested people work fast, so sleeping is a better idea than working, because working after sleep would be far more efficient than working now.
30. Get ready for bed in the bathroom. Tweeze eyebrows. Stare at pores. Clip your fingernails. Try on unusual shade of lipstick. Look at you. Are you even tired?
31. Go to bed.
32. Repeat steps 1-31 until three days before deadline, then switch to Emergency Work Day Procedures.
Emergency Work Day Procedures
1. Turn off your phone.
2. Read eight to ten pages an hour for eighteen hours straight with a pounding heart and a simultaneous contradicting belief that everything will be fine. Refuse to give in to panic. Panic is useless. So is eating. You don't need to eat. You need to work.
3. Sleep for four hours. Dream about editing, and mark up endless lines of flowing text. Continually remind your sleeping self that you are SLEEPING, not working, and none of these lines of text are even counting toward your finished pages. Realize that your pleading isn't doing any good, and resign yourself to sleeping and editing imaginary text at the same time.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.
5. Resolve to be better next time.
6. Default to Standard Work Day Procedures.
1. Wake up. Look at clock, because looking at the clock when one wakes up is an unshakeable habit, even for people like you, who really don't care what time it is anyway.
2. Eat breakfast. I use the term breakfast loosely; it's three in the afternoon. I use the term loosely; you can eat anything and call it breakfast. I use the term loosely; even drinking a decent amount of applesauce out of the jar counts as breakfast. Oh, sure, you can drink applesauce from the jar. Just make sure to pace yourself, or applesauce will spill out of the part of the jar not covered by your mouth and get on your shirt. Which is trashy. While eating breakfast, check blogs.
3. Conduct a quick round of grooming. Brush your teeth. Wash your face. If hair is exceptionally greasy and scary-looking, powder your hands with Shower-to-Shower and fingercomb it through until it appears acceptable for the general public. Praise the people who figured out that Shower-to-Shower and the hair grease right above your ears DO mix. Oh yes.
4. Get dressed. Yank on some workout clothes. Yes, those ARE the ones you wore yesterday, and no, I don't see what that has to do with anything.
5. Get some exercise. This is important for you in the same sense that it is important for those Russian kids way up north to play under UV lights once in a while. It's cool that you have a job you could still do while completely bedridden (this is totally going to pay off when you have to go to the hospital for something), but really, it's important to support your body weight on your legs once in a while.
6. If you are planning to leave the house for work (usually every other day), take a shower. If you are not, weigh the benefits of such an action. Sure, you don't smell that great. But even if you did, no one would be there to notice. Except for you, and you really can't tell anyway, being yourself and all. Make the right decision, then congratulate yourself on conserving water and on not damaging your hair. If you really can't stand yourself, at least consider putting your hair up and just taking a bath. Come on. You aren't going ANYWHERE today. Shampoo is expensive.
7. You can even pull your hair into a ponytail, slather the ponytail with conditioner, then twist it into a bun on top of your head and wrap it in cellophane to keep the conditioner from drying too quickly. This is good for two reasons. First, the long application of conditioner forces the moisture into the hair shaft, whether the hair shaft likes it or not. Second, now you smell like conditioner, which is a serious improvement.
8. Plop down in front of the computer and grudgingly start working. Work for at least fifteen minutes straight.
9. Eat something. Now that you're really awake, food is a lot more interesting than it was a few hours ago. Really interesting, in fact--it's fun to read and eat! Try to consume entire bowls of delicious lunch dishes (although the sun could be going down by now for all we know) while reading your manuscript. Declare victory when you manage two paragraphs during your hourlong lunch.
10. Beat your record at Super Collapse. How are you even doing this day after day? You are so awesome at Super Collapse.
11. No, really, it's time to work.
12. Fight the continual urge to eat while working, then give in and allow yourself carrots and salsa (or carrots and horseradish mustard, or cucumbers in either condiment). Do this for twenty minutes, then give up and start in on the tortilla chips dipped in cream cheese. Dude. Cream cheese is the best. If you get thirsty, polish it off with some applesauce or something, because it's not time for your one soda a day yet.
13. Give in and drink the soda.
14. Decide it's time to catch up on your correspondence. Write several friends, pretending in each e-mail that they are the sole beneficiaries of your "short break." You don't mean to lie to them, but you are too ashamed to tell them how long your breaks really are. Complain about whatever you are reading. Ask them how their day is going in the office. HA! They're in the office. At least you're home, although you do get paid by the word and have so far made five dollars in four hours. And are your friends even IN the office right now? What the hell time is it, anyway?
15. Look in the corner of your computer screen to check the time. Roll over it to find out what day it is, just for good measure. Note with zero interest that it is Tuesday. For you, every day is the same. Which is totally awesome.
16. Break your high score in Super Collapse. You're a legend. Realize that Yahoo failed to record your high score this time, even though you were signed in properly. Feel rage at Yahoo for ruining what should have been a perfect moment of triumph. Yahoo really needs to get their shit together.
17. Worry about how much you just cared about your high score in Super Collapse.
18. Receive call from husband. Try to sound busy and lofty. Can't he tell you're trying to work? When he asks why you are irritated, explain that your latest project is a real bear, all present tense when it should be past. It's not that you mean to lie, it's just that he doesn't really like Super Collapse and wouldn't understand what you're going through.
19. Decide to take a nap. The Super Collapse fiasco, the call from the husband ... it's all become too much for you. Set your alarm for an hour.
20. When your alarm goes off, hit snooze several times, then give up and shut the alarm off entirely.
21. Wake up an indeterminate amount of time later.
19. Work for another half hour. You mean it this time.
22. Begin having weird distractionary thoughts specifically designed by your brain, which wants to save itself from the awful writing it is being forced to process. As a consequence of your brain's efforts, say to yourself, "We should buy kayaks," even though you have been kayaking once in your life. But it was on the ocean, so that was pretty sweet.
23. Research kayak options extensively. Fall in love with cloudy blue one from L.L. Bean, then realize that inflatable is far superior, what with your minimal storage space and compact car. Read reviews to find the best inflatable brand. It appears to be either Stearns or Sea Eagle. No, it's definitely Sea Eagle. Does Sea Eagle make one-person kayaks? No? OK, Stearns.
24. Check your blogs again. You never know. Sometimes that lady from Africa is awake and posting. Ooooh, look, she did! And she wants to know your opinion on abortion.
25. Compose very carefully-thought-out opinion on abortion. Is there even an answer to when life begins? Why are we asking that question as if there is an absolute right answer? Aren't these all terms we made up anyway? Is it a linguistics problem, do you think?
26. Look at your work chart and realize that in twelve hours, you have done approximately 1.5 hours' worth of work.
27. Emerge from your kayak fugue and attack your work with newfound zeal.
28. Read the same paragraph over and over and realize you are far too tired to work.
29. Reason that tired people work slow and rested people work fast, so sleeping is a better idea than working, because working after sleep would be far more efficient than working now.
30. Get ready for bed in the bathroom. Tweeze eyebrows. Stare at pores. Clip your fingernails. Try on unusual shade of lipstick. Look at you. Are you even tired?
31. Go to bed.
32. Repeat steps 1-31 until three days before deadline, then switch to Emergency Work Day Procedures.
Emergency Work Day Procedures
1. Turn off your phone.
2. Read eight to ten pages an hour for eighteen hours straight with a pounding heart and a simultaneous contradicting belief that everything will be fine. Refuse to give in to panic. Panic is useless. So is eating. You don't need to eat. You need to work.
3. Sleep for four hours. Dream about editing, and mark up endless lines of flowing text. Continually remind your sleeping self that you are SLEEPING, not working, and none of these lines of text are even counting toward your finished pages. Realize that your pleading isn't doing any good, and resign yourself to sleeping and editing imaginary text at the same time.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.
5. Resolve to be better next time.
6. Default to Standard Work Day Procedures.
posted by Schnozz at 1:14 AM
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